Hello people! Welcome back to another blog post. As i'm writing this post i'm watching Athlete A on Netflix, a documentary focused on the USA gymnastics sexual assault scandal where the team Doctor, Lawrence Nassar abused his power and molested multiple female gymnasts. Please go and watch it at your own discretion as although that documentary has inspired this post, that scandal is not what this post is about.
Almost three years ago now I wrote a post titled 'The one where I was hurt' and in that I spoke very briefly about the abuse I endured as a child and since then i've not really spoken about it. And the truth is i'm still scared. I'm scared that if I post this i'll face backlash, i'm scared of what people will think or say about me. It shouldn't be that way though because I was not in the wrong, I was not to blame, yet somehow I feel guilty. Guilty that I didn't try to stop it, guilty that maybe I did something that made him want to abuse me, guilty that I didn't tell anyone.
Just like my last post I will not be naming anyone, not in this post, not if you message me to find out, however they will be referred to as X.
I did eventually report my abuse to the police, and through a lot of tears I made my statement and a case/investigation was opened and I had high hopes that I would get the justice I so badly deserved. The next couple of sentences do come with a *trigger warning* as I am going to briefly explain what happened. I shouldn't be scared to talk about my experience, because as devastating as it is to write and read, it happened to ME. I should be entitled to speak up without fear of being reprimanded.
It's hard to write about such a sensitive topic because where do I even start?
**
X was nice to begin with, and the evening was a typical one for us, watching a film just chilling and then the night changed. My life changed. Not that I even need to justify myself but I was 9, I didn't fully understand what was happening but I knew enough to know that it was wrong but I was helpless.
I was lying there watching the film a bit chilly but nothing drastic. I shivered a little bit and X's moved their hand up and down my body in a stroking motion to warm me up, and then the hand creeped up my nightie and it slowly got closer and closer to my vagina. And then that is when X inserted his fingers inside of me. I remember saying 'oww' and wincing but that didn't stop them, I was told to be quiet and would be overpowered and once again fingers were inserted. X then progressed things and moved my hand onto his Penis, I tried to pull my hand away many times but each time X pulled it back and held their own hand over mine ensuring that I held onto it and then proceeded to move our hands. And when it was over, I was sent to the bathroom to clean up and it was never mentioned again.
As liberating as it feels to explain what I endured, I now know that everyone who has read this knows a very dark, intimate secret about me that I have kept buried for so long and it's scary. But I don't want people to look at me as the girl who was abused because my assault doesn't define me or my worth. Unfortunately, my police case was quite complex and due to a lot of reasons it wasn't taken to court, my case was closed in November of last year.
It makes me so angry. I'm angry that I didn't get justice, i'm angry that X gets to carry on with their life and has got away with it meanwhile I struggle every single day with the outcome of my case. I'm angry that I feel like the bad person, the person who ruined relationships. It isn't fair and it will never be fair. I'm still processing everything I went through and how it ended and there are things I would like to say to certain individuals. But i'm not a vindictive person and so my words will remain in my head. I hope that one day i'm free from the torment, sexual abuse and its impacts last a life time. I've lived with whats happened to me longer than I lived without it, and I hope that no child ever falls victim to X again even though that is out of my control.
My name is Jenna and I survived child sexual abuse. I am capable of great things, and I am a good person, my past does not define me or my future. I am more than what happened. I am strong and I survived, and I will continue to survive and live a long, happy and peaceful life with the people I love
Thank you for reading this far, I appreciate you!
Jen x
SEXUAL ABUSE HELPLINES:
NSPCC 0808 800 5000
CHILDLINE 0800 1111
NAPAC 0808 801 0331
CISters 02380 338080
RAPE CRISIS 0808 802 9999
