Hello, hi, how are you? Today's blog post is another hard one, I know i've done a few blog posts on this topic already but I think it is SO important to keep these things in conversation and erase the stigma surrounding mental health. For those of you that don't know, a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and at the time I didn't know how to manage it, fast forward to now and although i'm still not 100%, I cope with it so much better. Tomorrow 10th October 2019 marks World Mental Health Day, and today, well today marks 2 years since I last self harmed. Although I'm happy and proud to have got to this point, a part of me is a little bit sad that I even have this anniversary. I already feel very on edge about posting this blog because I really do not want it to come across as i'm doing it for 'attention' or 'sympathy.' But it happened, I did it and I can't change it and I shouldn't feel embarrassed to talk about it because what will that achieve? Back in the days of hurting myself, I probably would have benefited from reading a blog post like this. Self harm is such a huge taboo subject it. no-one wants to talk about it, you feel isolated, like an outsider. Talking about mental health is all well good, but we need to talk about how it affects people physically too.
*****TRIGGER WARNING*****
Telling someone to stop self harming is easier said than done and it wont stop people. I am in absolutely no way promoting self harm in this post, but generally advising people helps a lot. When I spoke to a GP about what I was secretly doing, he knew he couldn't stop me from doing it. One way or another I and a lot of people will find a way to release the pain. Although he had no control over what I did, he told me how to go about it safely. Again he was NOT promoting it, he told me the importance of keeping wounds clean and keeping the equipment clean. It was stuff I hadn't even considered, yes I wanted to self harm, but no I didn't want to contract sepsis or any other viruses. For me the physical pain was a lot easier to manage than the mental pain, I feel sad writing this but for the time I did it, it was a distraction, took my mind of things, I wasn't thinking about how everyone would be better off without me. The first time I got rid of the equipment, I made it to about 10 months clean. I hadn't told anyone the severity of it the first time round. It was my last few months of year 13, and I made it through with no-one knowing. For the most part I was okay, but then when I left school and started college, it all came roaring back stronger than before and I caved. I broke 10 months which devastated me, but it was my fault, which made things even worse.
Two years ago today I thought 'no I don't want to do this anymore' and that night I got rid of my things for the last time and I haven't done it since. I know it's not that easy for everyone else, but with enough will power and determination I did it. I found other ways to release my pain. I preoccupied myself with college work, I did the occasional drawing. What really helped me was listing things in a countdown type of way? I don't know how to explain it but hopefully showing you, you will understand what I mean:
5 things you want to know more about- topics such as space, greek mythology and the pyramids are good starts!
4 pictures that remind you of good times- think of plans you could make, they might be really exciting!
3 places you would love to visit- there are so many countries waiting for you to visit and appreciate!
2 movies you want to see- whether that's at home or in the cinema, go watch something!
1 thing you did today that you're proud of- whether it's as simple as just having a shower or buying food for a homeless person, there's always proud moments to be had!
Those are just some examples of lists I would create, they'd get me really thinking and for the majority were a great distraction. Again something like this wont work for everyone as depression and anxiety aren't 'one size fits all' illnesses but it helped me and if it can help me, maybe it can help someone else. Some other suggestions to get over self harm is recognizing the triggers, and removing yourself from the situation in the easiest way you can and making yourself feel comfortable and safe. A few distractions also include:
Writing your thoughts down a piece of paper, ripping it into little bits and releasing it into the wind. Do this as many times as you like.
Listen to some of your favourite positive songs through your headphones and have a little sing song and maybe get a bit of a groove on!
Download a mind or puzzle game on your phone/laptop that really gets you thinking.
Count backwards from 1000, take your time and don't rush.
Buy a decent amount of bubble wrap and just pop it to your hearts content.
Find yourself an upcycle project and stick it out until completion, there are so many ideas on pinterest!
Re-watch your favourite movie or tv show, simple but effective
Again those were just a few ideas, certain apps can also be quite effective or so i've heard, i've never tried them so I can't comment on these.
I still struggle with my self harm journey, although I don't get those urges anymore, I have scars which are a constant reminder. The scars aren't too extreme and I think i'm quite fortunate that they healed the way they have. I like to think of them as battle scars, I fought hard and well and I remind myself that i'm one of the lucky ones that made it out the other side. It would be a huge lie if I said I was proud of them because to be honest i'm not. I wish I hadn't of fallen down that hole, I wish I knew of safer alternatives, I wish I didn't have them. I'm not embarrassed about them either, because I know i'm not the only one that has them. I don't know how I feel about them, I really don't. They're just scars that are apart of me now just like a birthmark or freckle.
I manage my depression so much better now but my anxiety is still a difficult one. I'm my biggest critic which doesn't help. I set such high, almost impossible standards for myself and then i'm surprised when I can't do it. Letting people down is something I really can't handle, because when I do, I tend to overthink and create scenarios in my head. For example if I bake a Lemon Meringue Pie and it has the slightest of soggy bottoms when I serve it, then I will refuse to take any sort of compliment because I know I can be better. What people think of me is constantly on my mind. Someone could add me as a friend on Facebook and i'll be questioning myself why. Are they talking about me to someone? Why are they adding me? My mind always assumes the worst, I can turn it off sometimes when I recognize that if I carry on i'll end up in a panic attack, but not all the time and I end up in hysterics. I'm still trying to get used to just doing my best and accepting it for what is rather then getting myself down.
If you're reading this and you struggle with self harm then please feel free to message me and i'll see if I can help in anyway, i'm not a psychiatrist but i've been there and done that so i'd like to think i'd know a thing or too! If not here are some helplines you can contact:
SAMARITANS: https://www.samaritans.org/
MIND: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/
SANELINE: http://www.sane.org.uk/what_we_do/support/helpline
For more specific helpines check out the NHS website at https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/mental-health-helplines/
Anyway, here's to many more years self-harm free. I want to thank my close friends and family and my amazing boyfriend for helping me through it all. I wouldn't be here otherwise so thank you everyone!
You'll be hearing from me again soon,
love Jenna x
