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The one where I was hurt

I don't remember the date but I remember the year, it was 2008, a year that changed my life and a night I will never forget. I was abused. Sexually. Only I had no idea at the time that what I endured was wrong and was not normal as I had previously. I'm not going to name names, whilst i'm ready to tell people about it, i'm not ready to identify that person, in the near future I will. My immediate family know who it and respect my wishes for it remain anonymous, but for the time being that information will remain private to the rest of the world.

It was nine years ago I was abused, it took me four of those years to finally tell those close to me. And now i'm going to tell you.

There were two other people in the same room where it occurred, however they had absolutely no part in what happened and I highly doubt they know. (I will be keeping their identities anonymous and will be referring to them as U and V and my abuser will be labelled as Z.)

So, it was a nighttime and I was watching a movie with U, V and Z in a bedroom and I was sat on a wooden chest as there was no where else to sit. U and V were sat on a bed together and after a while I was getting restless sat on the chest and I longed to sit somewhere else. Z offered me the chance to sit on their bed and I happily accepted because I knew I would be comfortable and that was all that mattered at the time. Shortly after I complained I was cold and so Z offered me the chance to get in the blanket because they told me I would be 'safe.' Little did I know that I was going to be confined into the unsafest place in my life. The details of what happened will also remain private, again i'm not one hundred percent ready to discuss that part. But afterwards, Z told me remain quiet about what happened and that it would be our 'cute little secret.' It wasn't cute, not in the slightest. Z told me not to discuss the physical and mental pain with anyone because they wouldn't understand. Stupidly, I obliged and trusted Z, I thought they knew what they were doing. Although it was nine years ago, I still feel just as gross now as I did back then.

For years I kept it hidden from anyone and acted as though I was a regular child. Yes, I was a child, I wasn't even ten. Who does that to a person? What kind of sick person decides to ruin a child's life before they're even a decade old?

Eventually I broke down and told some of my family, and they didn't think any less of me and they told me that what Z had done to me was wrong and was against the law. I was encouraged to tell the police about my ordeal but I couldn't bring myself to do and I still can't, and that is a personal choice and nobody can influence that.

The message that I want to get across is that nobody should ever feel as if they have to remain quiet about situations like this. It is such a taboo subject and it really should be talked about more. Did you know that one in twenty children in the UK have been sexually abused? Also, twenty-five percent of female victims were slut shamed and victim shamed. I'll let you know what I wore, I was wearing a nightie, was I asking for it?

Instead of blaming victims for what they wore, blame the perpetrator. I know that one day i'll be ready to reveal the full details to the police, and I know that I will fight my hardest to get justice for my destroyed childhood. Sexual abuse is not a joke, it is serious, it ruins lives.

I'd like to add that i'm not doing this for attention, I absolutely do not want people to view me differently as to how they already do. I'm still trying to accept what happened to me. I'm posting this for awareness, sexual abuse is more common than you think. You don't have to remain quiet, you can go to police, you have a voice, and I strongly recommend you use it. 'm going to include my favorite quote which I repeat on the daily 'What's hurt can be healed. No matter how dark it gets, the sun's going to rise again.'

My life was changed that night, I wish I knew then that I could talk to people and that I could press charges. And I will, when I want to.

On another note, it's well known have a soft spot for poetry and so I wrote a poem about my situation which will be down below!

(P.S. if you've read this blog post and don't have anything nice to say, then please do me a favor and just remain quiet!)

At eight years old,

I dreamt of being royal.

I never knew someone could be so cold,

And suddenly become unloyal.

At eight years old,

My innocence was taken.

By someone I thought I could trust,

That entire night left me shaken,

And i’m still trying to adjust.

At eight years old,

My life was changed,

Not for better but for worse.

My whole persona that night was maimed

And i’m trying to break the curse.

I was eight years old,

And wearing a nightie.

Was I asking for then?

I am a victim and a survivor,

And i’ve come out of my den.

-J.C. X


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